capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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