I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
