I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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