nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
