$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
