My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
