I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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