I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
