Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
