I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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