She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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