if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
