I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
