Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You can't just leave with hair like that
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
