"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
