Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
