He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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