If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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