Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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