I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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