He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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