i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
