Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
