I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
