Can Purell be used as lube?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
