It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
