Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
