She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
