I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
