It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
