Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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