i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
