I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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