i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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