Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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