the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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