I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
