When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
