You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
