I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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