I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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