either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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