Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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