I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
