I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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