Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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