A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Houston, we have a squirter
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
