The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
