The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
