I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
