Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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