So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
