life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
