i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
MIDGETS
????
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
